to-be-wanted-2

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Subject: To Be Wanted 2 Toby: It’s Friday night, and I feel pretty good. I met all of my targets this week, and even went over by an hour on lifting, so I decided I’m allowed to celebrate a little. So Devin didn’t want me. I’ll get over it. Someone will want me. I’m even wearing my purple “fuck me” shirt, this skintight polo which Jess says is the perfect shade for my coloring. I don’t really know about that, but I try to trust her when she tells me I look good. I went over to Jess’s place earlier and helped her with her makeup so we could go out to a party. Having a single mom, a little sister, and a female best friend has made me pretty good with makeup at this point. And quite frankly, Jess can be a bit hopeless at doing her own. She’s a pretty girl, but she tends to overdo it. Jess insists she wants to “get back on the horse” and find a guy who “isn’t a hot-and-cold sociopathic prick.” I think sociopathic is probably a bit harsh, but Reed did jerk her around for a long time before dumping her out of nowhere and with no explanation, so she has a right to call him whatever she wants. The two of us have been a duo since our Freshman year of high school. I went to an all-boys Catholic school, she went to the all-girls Catholic school in the same area. There were a couple of public schools nearby, but private school kids tend to stick together, so when guys from my school wanted to hang out with girls, it was almost always with girls from her school. We met at a party shortly after I figured out Shane had just been using me, and I was moping in a corner, trying to make myself even smaller than I was back then, when she asked me to dance. She was the first person who ever told me I was hot, and she made me laugh and smile, but I wasn’t really attracted to her so I was really happy when she told me she was just trying to make this other guy jealous. I don’t know if it worked, we ended up talking all night, me spilling my guts about Shane, and her empathizing with my insecurities. We’ve stuck together ever since. She helped me to at least fake the confidence necessary to not let anyone else hurt me, to be someone people desire. It hasn’t always worked, but she’s always been there for me when I fall. And over the years we’ve become excellent wingmen for each other. She has better gaydar than I do, so she points out guys who might be interested and introduces me to her girl friends, and I act as a buffer for her with groups of straight guys, helping her pick one out and separate him from the group. So if she wants a rebound, I’m here to help her find one. She heard about a big party about half a mile south of South Campus, at the Water Polo House. It’s ridiculous how many sports team party houses this school has considering we’re D-2 for those sports which are even NCAA recognized, and no one really cares about any of the teams except the people who are on them. Still, the guys and girls on the Water Polo teams are pretty hot, and the Water Polo house this year is really nice, thanks to the men’s captain having rich parents. I pull out my carefree and charming act as we approach the house. Four years of Drama in High School and more than a year in the Drama Club here are good for something. I hook my elbow with Jess’s when we step inside, flashing her a grin. “All right, let’s find you a man.” The door opens right into the living room, which is large for a student house, but not for a party, and it’s packed with people. The big sectional couch that takes up half the room is fully occupied, as is all of the floor-space between it and the TV in the corner, so we go straight through to the kitchen, which is an incongruously huge space, sprawling and open with a sliding door leading out to the back deck. A friend of mine on the girls’ team, Linnea, spots us and rushes over. “Oh my God, Toby!” She laughs, wrapping me up in a hug which I return with one arm, not letting go of Jess. “You look sooo good.” “You’re looking pretty sexy yourself,” I say with a wink when she takes a step back, although she leaves a hand on my free arm, “but we’re on the prowl for men tonight. You know Jess, right?” “Oh, of course, we met at that party last Spring at… umm…” “Baseball house,” Jess finishes with a smile. “Hi.” Jess and I have mostly overlapping friendship groups, a mixture of the guys from my dorm, the girls from hers last year, and a few people from our high schools, but when I call Linnea a friend, what I really mean is we fucked a couple of times. She might be looking for a repeat, and most nights I would be up for that. I try not to have regular hookups because it veers a little too close to a relationship, but it’s been months, and Linnea is hot. Almost my height, with long, straight blond hair down to the middle of her back, nice tits, tight swimmer’s muscles, and a cute if not beautiful face. I’m here for Jess though, not a hookup. “Hi! It’s great to see you again!” Linnea says before turning back to me. “But oh my God, Toby, you came on the WORST night. Thor and the guys are out back ‘inducting’ the new Freshmen, by which I mean probably giving them alcohol poisoning and multiple injuries and getting the whole fucking team in trouble with the school!” I laugh. “I’ve seen initiation before, Lin, I’m sure Thor will keep it under control.” Thor is the guy whose rich parents bought the house, the captain of the men’s team. He’s a short, blond, miniature Viking who acts a little wild, maybe to compensate for his height, but he’s smart enough to keep things safe. “He’s making them chug a gallon of beer each. A GALLON, Toby!” I shrug. “Their stomachs can’t hold that much, they’ll just throw it up.” She huffs and mutters, “As long as they do it outside.” “I guess none of the guys out there are in any condition to be hit on?” Jess puts in. Linnea giggles. “Well, the older guys should be fine, and anyone who’s not on the team. There’s a big crowd watching.” “Let’s go then,” Jess says, tugging on my elbow. She is a woman on a mission. “Nice seeing you, Lin. Let’s catch up soon,” I call over my shoulder with a grin which makes her blush. Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t mind “catching up” with her. She was very… appreciative, and she sucked on my nipples just the way I like. Some other night. The outside is crowded, erdemli escort with several groups hanging out on the big deck overlooking the yard, and more standing around watching the initiation. There’s a line of guys in their team speedos and nothing else, and they all have both of their hands duct-taped to milk jugs with varying levels of beer left in them. Some of them are kind of cute, but they all look miserable and red-eyed as Thor, a 5’4″ cannonball of tight muscle paces up and down the line yelling at them to drink. Just as we’re stepping out, a skinny guy at one end of the line groans and turns his head to puke out a stream of beer onto the grass, eliciting a chorus of groans and cheers from the audience. “Eww,” Jess says wrinkling her nose as we stand at the railing to scope out the crowd. I spot my friends Jake and Alex standing with Miles and a couple other guys I don’t recognize down below, off to one side of the yard. I nudge Jess and gesture toward them. She shrugs, then nods and says, “Yeah, sure, the one in red is pretty hot.” We make our way down the stairs and through the crowd to join them. Jake and Alex are roommates who live in my dorm, and they’re both stereotypical bros. If we had frats here, they’d be in one. They’re pretty cool to hang out with, even if they sometimes play up the ridiculous hypermasculine jock thing a bit too much. They’re also not bad to look at, Alex tall and lean with black hair and gray eyes, Jake closer to my height with dirty blond hair and brown eyes. Miles is more of a stoner, but he’s been in our crowd for about a year by virtue of selling us weed. He’s really skinny but cute, with sort of scruffy brown hair and hazel eyes. The other two are guys I don’t know. One is a black guy around my size with glasses and cornrows, the other, “the one in red,” is tall and tan, maybe Latino or Italian, and definitely pretty hot with black hair and light brown, almost golden eyes, and a fit body under his red Bulls jersey. Jake is the first one to spot us and breaks into a grin, throwing an arm over my shoulder. “Heeeyy, Toby and Jess,” he yells over the noise of the party. “C’mere, meet Tony and Jarrell. Jarrell went to High School with me and Alex, and Tony’s in my Psych seminar.” I nod and give a fist bump to each of the guys, and introduce them to Jess. I’m amused to see Tony, “the one in red,” giving Jess a flirty smile as he shakes her hand. Jake pulls me in close and says, “It’s so good to see you out, man, haven’t seen you much lately.” His lips brush my ear as he speaks. Considering how surprised he was when I started seeing Devin, and how much of an ass he can be about “gay” things, it’s kind of nice that he’s not weirded out and avoiding touching me, but he’s one of those straight guys who gets physically affectionate when he’s drunk, no concept of personal space. He’s kind of like Reed in that way, though not to the same extent. Or like how Reed used to be. It’s been awhile since Reed pulled me into his side and smiled goofily at me. Fuck, that shouldn’t bring me down. I was feeling good, I was happy, why do I MISS Reed? Yeah, he’s hot, and yeah, he used to be kind, and fun, and an adorable, cuddly drunk, but it turned out that he’s actually an asshole. I’ve don’t need him, I’ve got real friends right here, Jess, and Alex, and Jake, who’s still squeezing my shoulder and leaning his head against mine. I take a pull from my bottle of peppermint schnapps, and hold it up for Jake to take a pull too. He smirks and wraps his lips around the bottle, taking a quick drink, and a few drops dribble down his chin when I pull it back. Not really thinking, I brush the stray drops away with my thumb, and he catches it with his teeth, nipping lightly, and giving me a wink as his hand drops from my shoulder to my hip. What the hell? Is Jake… flirting with me? Before I really have time to process whatever he’s doing, a body squeezes between us under his arm, and his hand just brushes my ass as it slips away, then Kaitlyn is there pressing herself against my side and wrapping her arms around me. “Toby, baby,” she coos, standing on her tip-toes to press her lips against my cheek. I look over to Jess and widen my eyes to ask for help, but she’s already clinging to Tony’s bicep and rolls her eyes at me. Fine, I can deal with this myself. “Kait, please,” I start, trying to pull her hands off of me, “I told you I didn’t want to do this anymore.” “Yeah,” she pouts, pushing her breasts against my chest and looking up at me, “because you didn’t want a relationship. But you dated that High School kid.” “I don’t want a relationship with YOU, Kait,” I explain firmly, because she’s clearly drunk and I have to be blunt to get through to her. “Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t fuck,” she giggles and starts kissing my collarbone and neck. “Kait, no!” I say, raising my voice and pushing her away forcefully. She stumbles back a few feet and glares at me in confusion. “What, are you a fag now?!” “Whoa, hey now,” Jake stutters, stepping between us with his eyes wide and holding out his hands as if to separate us. I grit my teeth and ball my fists. “Kait,” I say warningly. “No, you fuck one guy and now I’m not good enough? Or am I too old, now that you’ve been fucking a kid?” “FUCK!” I yell, unleashing my anger. “I’VE BEEN FUCKING GUYS SINCE I WAS FOURTEEN, I JUST DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOU! YOU’VE BEEN HOUNDING ME FOR FUCKING WEEKS, YOU GOT ME PUNCHED IN THE FACE, AND YOU WON’T FUCKING LISTEN. I DON’T WANT YOU! I WILL NEVER WANT YOU!” The yard is suddenly silent, even Thor and the guys being initiated are staring over at me, and Kaitlyn looks like she’s going to cry. “Fuck,” I mutter and take a swig of schnapps. “I’m just… I’m gonna go.” I turn away, and shrug off Jake’s hand when he tries to stop me. Jess catches up to me while I’m walking around the side of the house, and I stop for her. “You should stay,” I tell her. “Tony’s really hot, you should get your rebound.” “You gonna be okay?” She asks, frowning at me. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I sigh. “Just can’t deal with…” I gesture toward the backyard, “…this right now.” I just really can’t, so I walk away without another word. I started off the night feeling happy, or okay at least, and now tarsus escort I feel like shit. Because why can’t I just be with Kait? She’s pretty, and she’s funny, and we have good chemistry in bed, that’s why we hooked up for so long. But I just don’t feel anything for her. Hell, I feel more for Jake than her. I’ve never felt anything for a girl beyond lust, and maybe lust isn’t good enough for me anymore. I want to be in love. I want someone to love me. I thought maybe Devin could, but I was wrong, and I know no one at this party does, not the way I need. So I just need to get away. To be alone. Because maybe I’m meant to be alone. Reed: It’s Friday night, and I feel horrible. I wish I could go back to being numb, because the pain is worse. I lost the most important person in the world. I find myself crying randomly throughout the day, because some little thing reminds me of Devin. A song he likes, or a flyer for a Thai restaurant, or my own fucking face in the mirror. I was combing my hair after a shower this morning and found myself thinking how boring my hair color is, just brown. Devin complains endlessly about his hair, but it’s gorgeous, a rich brown threaded with copper and gold highlights and a hundred other shades I don’t even have names for, and it felt like silk when I tangled my fingers in it. And I’ll never do that again. I cried on the floor of my bathroom until Eric banged on the door because he needed to shower. So I’m not fit company for anyone. It’s Friday night, and I’m sitting alone in my dorm room. Eric said I should come out with him, he even said we could sneak into the gay bar and he’d be my wingman to “get some twink boy ass,” but anything might set me off crying again, so it’s better I avoid people. Speaking of Eric, I swear to God he’s been teasing me since I came out to him. He was pretty clear then that he’s straight and “off limits,” but he’s been showing off his body at every opportunity, giving me weird smiles, and joking about gay sex all the time. Yesterday morning he got out of bed with morning wood, which isn’t that unusual, but instead of hiding it or rushing to the bathroom, he stretched his back with his arms over his head, then reached down and stroked his hard-on through his boxers a few times, staring straight at me. “I guess I’ll go take care of this,” he said with a wink after a few seconds, and dropped his fucking boxers right there before walking across the room to the bathroom, cock bobbing in front of him. I don’t know, Eric’s a laid back guy, he’s probably just trying to show he’s comfortable with me in his own weird way, but maybe he’s so comfortable that he’s actually down for some action with me. Even though I’ve felt like shit, with a resurgence of feelings has also come a resurgence of libido, and I’m horny. If he keeps it up I might offer to take care of his morning wood for him one of these days. I’ve been staring at my advanced calculus homework for over an hour now but I haven’t actually done any work on it. I thought I should do something productive, but I can’t seem to think about anything but Devin, and Eric, and how fucked up my life has become. It doesn’t help that the guys next door seem to be having a party in their room, with loud music coming through the walls, and every few minutes a group of people laughing and enjoying life strolls by the window next to my desk, reminding me that on Friday night everyone but me is actually having a good time. I need to get out of here, get away from people. Early in our Freshman year, the guys and I found this place while smoking weed and wandering around the forest on the edge of campus. At the very top of the hill, in the middle of the forest, there’s this old lookout tower with an amazing view of the city. We sat up there, high out of our minds, for hours, and decided it was “our” place, and the coolest place in the city, and we went back every couple of weeks to hang out and smoke again. I’m not sure I’ve ever been there sober, but in the middle of the night, it’s the one place I can be sure I’ll be alone. The hike up is relaxing on its own, the night is still and crisp, and the moon is bright, casting silvery light on the trail and making everything look a bit unreal. I come to the clearing at the peak, and the lookout tower looms over me, a black monolith against the sky. It looks taller than I remember, imposing, but I walk over to it and start to climb the stairs. When I reach the stop, I step to the edge, leaning my elbows on the railing as I gaze out at the city lights. It’s hard to make out much at night, just the dark of the bay, the sprawl of the city, and the still forest around the tower. Even with less to see than during the day, it’s a peaceful place. It’s quiet and there’s a cool breeze this high up. I peer down at the ground. It’s least a fifty foot drop. “Hey there, sexy,” someone slurs, startling me away from the railing. Looking to my right I see the silhouette of a guy sitting on the floor, leaning back against one of the support pillars with his legs dangling over the edge between railing bars. He tilts his head up at me with a shaky grin, and his face catches a bit of moonlight. Even if I didn’t recognize him from that greeting, there’s a flash of emerald eyes and ruby lips. “Toby,” I grunt. “You scared me.” I kick at the floor and shove my hands in my pockets. I came here to get away, to think in peace, to… I don’t know. I kind of want to leave, go back to my room or just somewhere else, but… “What are you doing here?” In answer he holds up a bottle to me like he’s giving a toast and then takes a swig. “Hiding,” he says after he swallows. He twists toward me slightly and tilts his head to the side. “How you do that? You look so got… hood…” He squints. “Good… even all…” He waves his hand at me vaguely. I run a hand through my hair. I’m pretty sure I look like a mess right now, tired, sad, unshaven. God, Toby must be shitfaced. I’ve never seen him really drunk before, he’s usually the relatively sober one who stops everyone else from making stupid decisions. “Wait,” he mumbles, “I’m mad at you.” He turns away and presses his face to the railing. “You hurt my best friend.” “Yeah,” I sigh, stepping back to the railing, akdeniz escort and speak out toward the city. “I’m sorry about that. I… I didn’t mean to.” He sniffs dismissively. I really didn’t. Okay, I should have been more thoughtful. More careful of Jessica’s feelings instead of using her to deal with, or avoid, my own. But I never intended to hurt her. I just never intended to have anything serious with her either. Is it wrong that I regret it more because I hurt Devin than because I hurt Jessica? That even now I don’t value her feelings as highly? Either way, I know it was wrong. Even though I must be hurting now as much as I hurt either of them, I really don’t want to hurt anyone. Ever again. Toby’s silent for a long time, just swinging his legs and looking out into the darkness. As my eyes adjust I can’t help noticing the tight purple polo he’s wearing, how it clings to his muscles like it’s painted on. He must have been at a party tonight, I recognize it as his favorite shirt to wear when he’s planning on hooking up. I can see why, he looks great in it. “I’m bi,” I blurt. Fuck. I’ve got to come up with a smoother way of coming out instead of just letting it spill out whenever I’m looking at a hot guy. He leans back against the pillar again and looks at me, his eyebrows scrunching. “Really?” He asks. Then his face does this weird crumpling thing and he looks down at his lap. “Oh.” “Yeah,” I say awkwardly. “Just… I dunno why I told you that now, but yeah.” The silence I came up here for is almost painful now. Toby just stares into his lap and I stare out at the city and neither of us says anything for so fucking long. I find myself looking at the ground far below again when I hear a coughing wretch and turn to see Toby puking down the front of his shirt. “Rice n b… four hun…” he mumbles. “Jesus,” I walk over and nudge him until he looks at me kind of unfocused. “Toby, I’m gonna get you back to the dorm, okay? Can you stand up?” “You’re bi?” He asks, making no effort to move. “Yeah, but Toby, can you get up?” He pushes back against the pillar until he’s more or less upright. Then he glares at the vomit on his shirt. “Fuck off, you stupid… fucking… fuck me… shirt,” he mutters as he pulls the shirt off, balls it up, and throws it off the tower into the trees. Shit. I know he’s going to pissed he did that in the morning. But I swear, his body is made to be moonlit. His pale skin glows, and shadows shape themselves around every curve of every muscle. I wipe my hands down my face and try to focus. “Okay, no problem. Here, put your arm over my shoulder, and I’ll help you get down.” I sure as hell hope he’s stable enough that I don’t have to do all the work. Toby’s a little shorter than me, I bet I could lift him, but I can’t carry him all the way back to the dorm. Once he’s on his feet he doesn’t seem too bad, luckily. He stumbles a bit, but we manage to get down the stairs very slowly. There are a few times I have to catch him from falling as we make our way along the trail back to campus, and every now and then he says, “M’okay, ‘m fine,” but doesn’t let go of me. Once on campus, on relatively even brick walkways, walking is a little easier, and he leans away from me a little without letting go to peer at my face. “You’re bi?” He asks again. “Yeah,” I chuckle. “Still am.” He frowns. “You never told me.” “I didn’t know until recently,” I shrug. His arm slips a little and I readjust my grip on him, pulling him in a little tighter to my side and he leans into me. “I missed this,” he sighs. Then a few seconds later, “You never flirted back.” “Huh? You flirt with everyone,” I say, rolling my eyes, and he pushes away from me angrily. “Fuck you,” he spits. “You…” He shakes his head and glares off into the distance, swaying on his feet. I stop and stare at him. We give him shit about flirting with everyone all the time, and he’s never responded like this. “I… I’m sorry?” He bites his lip, still staring off at nothing. “S’okay… you don’t like me… not the first one…” I sigh. He’s so drunk, I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but I think we’re definitely having two different conversations here. I put a hand on his shoulder and he stumbles into me, wrapping an arm around my back again. “I like you, Toby. You’re one of my best friends,” I say. Because he is. Or at least he was until the last few weeks. Yeah, we were sort of friends by default originally, just guys in the same dorm who hung out a lot, but you don’t stay friends with someone for over a year just because it’s convenient. He’s upbeat, and cool, and genuinely kind, and before Devin’s visit I always had a good time with him. “Now let’s get you home.” As we hit the final stretch to the dorm, his head drops down onto my shoulder. His feet keep moving so he’s not asleep, and… it’s weird. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate the feel of his bare, goosebump-pebbled skin under my fingers, or his weight against my side. When we reach the door he stops a few feet away and tugs at me to face him. “You really like me?” “Yeah,” I say, and his face lights up, his toothpaste model smile as big as I’ve ever seen it before he leans into me and puts his forehead on my shoulder. “I like you too,” he whispers into my collarbone then shakes his head. “Liked. Used to. Mad now.” He pauses and giggles softly. “No, actually, don’t tell Jess, I still like you. Tried not to but I really do.” I don’t know why that makes me feel so warm inside, but it does, and for the first time tonight I actually smile. After a minute he stands back, still grinning, and I grin back at him. I went up to the tower to be alone, but right now I’m actually glad I’m not. I’m glad I found him. We stand there smiling at each other like idiots for a long moment, and then he glances down at his chest and frowns. I follow his eyes and my own zero in on his nipples, small and pink and erect in the cool air. I lick my lips. He looks back up at me and asks, “Where’s my shirt?” I laugh. “Don’t worry about it,” I say. “Let’s just get you to bed.” —– Aaand, there’s chapter 2. The next couple are already written so they’ll be out shortly, just need to go over them again and fret over whether certain parts should be moved around. I hope you’re all enjoying the story so far. If so, let me know, feedback’s the only payment writers here get and the main motivation to keep writing. And as always, if you get any enjoyment out of the stories here, consider donating to keep the site fty P.S. Poor Jake. Maybe someday he’ll successfully hook up with a guy.

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